Don't bend over

My buddy Jim and his Barium Enema %3ADMy buddy Jim and his Barium Enema

Posted By: Royal Ottmar (pcp09011231pcs.watrfd01.mi.comcast.net)
Date: Tuesday, 24 August 2004, at 5:24 a.m.

Jim B. is a pipefitter and I worked with him for many years at General Motors. Now Jim is a big old boy. He is big enough to eat hay, about 6ft 4 and 280 lbs. He is softer than a sneaker full of poop and sorta girthy. Like maybe a 48 inch belt.

He told me that he was a bit skeered of getting a lower GI. Now I have had several and knew they really sucked as far as tests go. Heck, they suck as far as anything goes actually.

I told Jim he was a natural for the test and I figured he would really enjoy it. Ass as big as his, I tolt the boy, they could use a dang fire hose and it would not be a problem. I told him that the only problem was as big as his gut was, he would have to pay a surcharge for extra barium! He called me a nasty name about then.

Now Jim is a good guy but dumber than a box of rocks and if you doubt me, keep in mind that he came back to work and told me this story.

He was a bit nervous, even though I reassured him that he would enjoy the test. I don't figure he trusted my word or something like that.

He said the test was at a local hospital and full of apprehension, he arrived on time. Of course as the little girlie thing said in her post they give you a one size fits all gown. Now that one size fits all gown just don't fit anyone built like Jim!

The nurse gave him the gown and told him to strip and put the thing on, opening in the back. She left and Jim started a strippin'. He said he picked up that little itty bitty gown and tried to get his arms through the arm holes, all the time worrying about the nurse coming back in before he is decent. Now Jim, fully clothed is not decent and necked just has to be something terrible. He is as hairy as a dang gopher and built sorta pear like! Little spindly like legs and that big assed belly. The boy looks like a dang turnip!

Finally he said he got the gown on and his whole ass was a hanging out the back. I figure that would save them a little time with the test he was having and all but he was a bit tense about it . The Nurse came back in and asked if he was ready. He told her that he needed another gown. He needed another gown to put on backwards to cover his big hairy ass a hanging out the back. Much to his discomfort she laughed and fetched him another, which she helped him on with. I doubt the help was appreciated but he got as decent as Jim could get.

She told him to grab his things and to follow her. Follow her? Where the hell are we going, he asked. He said that he was not going out anywhere with no dang gown on that reached one half inch below his thingie! I did not mention that those gowns are a bit short on a big old boy like Jim and the only thing that saved Jim from the ultimate embarrassment was the fact that the gown was not the only thing that was short!

Finally she coaxed him out of the room by telling her that the room where the procedure was to be done was only two doors down the hall. Heck nobody would notice anything. Right! A dang giant in a tutu and nobody would notice.

He finally muster up the nerve to follow her and soon was in the examination room. It was a room that was painted all white and in the center of the room was a stainless steel table. Over the table was some sort of big device that turned out to be some sort of x-ray thingie.

She told him to get up on the table and turn on his left side. Poor old Jim sat his clothing down on a chair and walked to the table. The nurse took the extra gown off his butt and now he was getting upset. His problem at the moment, as he saw it, was how the hell was he gonna crawl up on the dang table with his big hairy ass a hanging out and maintain his dignity?

The nurse was busy with something, a big bag full of milk or something and a long hose. Now Jim was not sure what was going on but he kept remembering that I told him I figured a feller like him would like it but he was not putting much stock in anything I told him.

He looked at her and when she looked away he sorta happed up on the table. It was easier for him than a normal human as he was tall. Now he laid on his right side, since his ass was a hanging out and he figured he ought to protect it at all cost. Fellers are like that, at least a normal feller is.

The doctor came in with another nurse. Oh great, why the hell don't they sell tickets, he thunk? The dang bossy nurse tole him that she said to lay on his left side and to roll over, which he eventually did.

Now comes the fun part! She gave him a little pillow thing and told him he could put it under his head and to relax. Relax may arse!! He looked over his shoulder and she was a standing there, latex gloves on and a jar of Vaseline in her hand. This was not looking good!

She said again for him to lay down his head and he did. Then came the dang slick finger, which is colder than heck! What the heck do they do, chill that stuff??

One nurse was standing at his head and holding his hand, which was what nurses was spose to do an d the other was sticking a yard of very cold hose up his wazoo!! Finally she stops and says,"There" Now Jim figured the worse was over.

Jim never was one to know when the worse was over and this was no exception. Now they start a pumping that milky stuff in him and he was getting pretty dang uncomfortable. He felt himself getting fuller and fuller and starting to hurt a bit. The torture nurse finally figured the boy was full, it must have taken 5 gallons to fill that gut of his, and she slid the dang hose out.

Now she said for him to hold it. "Hold it hell" he thunk "you put it there so you hold it your own self!" He thunk it but didn't say it. He just lay there and held it, all the time worrying that he was gonna burst.

The rolled the boy on his back and rolled the boy on his left and then the right, taking pictures all the time.

Finally they were finished with him and told him he could get off the table and if he needed to relieve himself,there was a bathroom right next door.

Now Jim was a bit uncomfortable and sat up, He swung his legs off the left side of the table and stepped to the floor. Now it gets complicated for a uneducated feller like me to relate in writing but I will try.

As Jim stepped to the floor his left hand supported him on the table. Problem was the itty bitty gown was under the hand and as he hopped to the floor, the dang gown plum ripped off the boy and dropped to the floor.

Now there was a hairy potbellied giant, standing neckked in front of a doctor and two nurses! He said he was never so embarrassed in his life and could not think of anything that could possible be worse. It got worse.

The big old boy was mortified and lost his presence of mind. His gown was on the floor, that itty bitty gown but it was the only thing he could think of or see at the time. He did happen to forget that he was full of barium but that was soon remedied as he, without thought it seem, quickly bent over to puck it up and with all that added pressure, exploded. Now he was lucky, I guess, as there was a route for the barium to escape and escape it did. His big hairy arse was aimed at the far wall and to his credit, he hit it and he said he hit it at the 6 ft mark.

Remember where I said that dropping his gown was the most embarrassing moment he could imagine? Well this topped it. He said that stuff was all over the place and everyone was laughing, luckily nobody was hit. He said he did not know what the hell to do but one nurse told him not to worry about it as it had happened before. I sorta doubt that that gave him much comfort at all.

I don't know if Jim ever has gotten another one but I sorta doubt it.