Don't Pee on a Gun Barrel

Frozen PeckerMy Yahoo!Talking about getting your tongue stuck to metal, during the winter, reminds me of a story I once read about flying in a bomber, during WW11.

I can not remember where the hell I read it but I remember laughing my arse off at the poor guys plight.

It seems that when flying bombing missions the bombers try to fly at high altitude. I don’t know how high those old bombers could fly but it was high enough to be very cold.

One of the things the crew tried to do is pee before going on a mission because it was complicated, with the tight quarters and heavy flight suits to do when in the air. I guess they had pee tubes but there could be problems with them.

On this one mission there was a problem it seems. They were well into the mission and the pilot gets a call from the tail gunner. It seems that he had to pee pretty bad and his piss tube was frozen up and he could not use it.

Now I guess that around the barrel of the guy there was a gap, I don’t know why but I suspect it was because of the heat of the gun and it needed expansion room.

This poor guys plight was known by everyone on the plane because of the common intercom. Guys were making suggestions like to pee in his lunch box and pee in his helmet and such but he was not gonna do that.

One of the crew members said that he ought to try to pee out the gap around the barrel and the pee would just be gone in the slip stream. Sounds like a good idea to me and it did to this tail gunner it seems.

Now I don’t know how much room there is back there but the guy hunched around, in the freezing cramped compartment and got as close to the gap as he could. I can see grin on the fellas face now. When you gotta go you gotta go.

All of a sudden, over the intercom, they all heard him say, “Awww Shit!” “Damnit” “Crap”

They said, almost in unison, “What the heck is the matter?”

He said, “My pecker is stuck to the dang barrel!! What do I do now??””

Now the guy did the thing that all us Northern boys know not to do. Don’t stick your tongue- or anything wet and damp- against cold steel. He had stuck a wet damp thing against the dang barrel!!

Now what the hell was the guy gonna do?? They were sure not gonna fly at a lower altitude to warm up the barrel! They were on a dang bombing run over Germany for crying out loud!

He was a bitching and moaning and asking for help. Now everyone was in their battle stations and nobody was inclined to leave and go back and work his pecker off the dang gun barrel! That is for sure. They had to do something, that was for sure because if they flew into fighters and they were sure to, they needed that gunner.

One fella yelled into the intercom that he had to find some way to thaw the barrel a bit. He looked around and there was just no way to do it and since he had already peed, that was out.

One guy, said that he should just fire the gun a few times and that ought to heat the thing up enough to break him free. Ya, right.

Now this boy did the dumbest thing of his life when he peed out the gap but he topped it with his next move.

It seems that with all the gunnery practice he had had he would have noticed that when it fired, it recoiled. Maybe it was the cold air, maybe it was because the biggest part of his brain was frozen to the dang gun barrel but, with great dexterity I can imagine, he did the dumbest thing of his life.

Over the intercom they heard, “Hey that is a great idea! BANG-BANG! AAAHHHHHHH!! Sheeeiiitttt!”and a bit of moaning.

It worked it seemed. Pecker dun off the gun barrel, at least most of it was. The rest was gonna have to come off once the barrel thawed a bit more.

They could not get back to help the poor sucker and he had to fly the rest of the mission with a ripped up pecker. I can not remember if they needed him to man his gun or not but he was one sore fella for time after the mission was over.

Like I said, I don’t remember where I read it but I tried to write is as I remember it.

Don’t pee on no gun barrel but if you do, wait until spring for the thaw